"My church offers no absolution.She tells me, ‘Worship in the bedroom’The only heaven I’ll be sent toIs when I’m alone with you.”
-Take Me To Church, by Hozier

"My church offers no absolution.
She tells me, ‘Worship in the bedroom’
The only heaven I’ll be sent to
Is when I’m alone with you.”

-Take Me To Church, by Hozier

(Source: herdirtylittleheart)

It feels like time to let it goIt feels like time to break or showIt feels like time to cut your breaksShut your mouth, do something, anythingIt feels like time to fuck or leaveIt feels like I choke you just to breatheIt feels like time ain’t time at allJust black out, wake up foreign, wander homeTake me out, lay me downLet the dirt fall all around meBaby ain’t it good to be back home?They’re burning futures in the mountainsAll lit up, ya you can count yoursBaby ain’t it good to be back home?It feels like just another dayLike one more dead town’s last paradeLike we’re taking pictures of a tidal waveOn the shore grinning a hundred feet awayIt feels like time ain’t time at allJust black out, wake up foreign, wander homeTake me out, lay me downLet the dirt fall all around meBaby ain’t it good to be back home?They’re burning futures in the mountainsAll lit up, ya you can count yoursBaby ain’t it good to be back home?Ain’t it good to be back home?
-Last Parade by Matthew Good

It feels like time to let it go
It feels like time to break or show
It feels like time to cut your breaks
Shut your mouth, do something, anything

It feels like time to fuck or leave
It feels like I choke you just to breathe
It feels like time ain’t time at all
Just black out, wake up foreign, wander home

Take me out, lay me down
Let the dirt fall all around me
Baby ain’t it good to be back home?
They’re burning futures in the mountains
All lit up, ya you can count yours
Baby ain’t it good to be back home?

It feels like just another day
Like one more dead town’s last parade
Like we’re taking pictures of a tidal wave
On the shore grinning a hundred feet away
It feels like time ain’t time at all
Just black out, wake up foreign, wander home

Take me out, lay me down
Let the dirt fall all around me
Baby ain’t it good to be back home?
They’re burning futures in the mountains
All lit up, ya you can count yours
Baby ain’t it good to be back home?
Ain’t it good to be back home?

-Last Parade by Matthew Good

3 (of 4)

"What if I can’t be all that you need me to be?
We’ve got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep…” 

Our disconnection ran deep. We were going through the motions. We both swore we would make it through this intact, but we were losing our faith. 

"What if everything’s just the way that it will be?"

Through the summer of 2012 I listened to City and Colour’s “Little Hell” album on repeat, this song in particular. It spoke to me like it was knit together just for my heart. On top of the distance in my marriage, I was blindsided by the loss two of my partners and closest friends in a deceit-fuelled tangle of fuckery. I had been down-playing the intensity of my feelings for them but as my husband watched me spiral into a deep depression it became clear to him how much I had loved them. And how much I’d been hiding. 

"There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me.
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.”

In the Spring of 2013 I noticed my husband and one of his co-workers had become close. At first I heard about her often, but suddenly he grew silent. In a strange twist of fate they drove by me one day, in his work truck. I’d never laid eyes on her before but I knew this was her. They were laughing, windows rolled down, wind in their hair, they looked gorgeous and happy. When he saw me a quick look of panic flashed across his face, it was all I needed to confirm my suspicion; they were more than just friends. 

"My warship’s a-lying off the coast of your delicate heart, 
And my aim is steady and true as it’s been right from the start.”

It took me weeks to confront him, and when I did things got ugly. It was days before he came clean. 

They weren’t fucking, it was deeper than that, an intense chemistry, a connection that made his heart sing. After being so critical of me for feeling that same kind of connection with Cub he felt like a hypocrite. Two years ago when the tables were turned he screamed at me that I was full of shit, and here he was trying to explain that he just loved being around her, he felt wanted and new and alive, that she gave him things he needed. He didn’t want to hide it, he hated himself for being dishonest, but he didn’t know how to admit that now he believed in everything he had condemned me for. 

We kept asking ourselves ‘How did we get here? How is this us?’ The lies, the sneaking around, it was against everything we stood for, everything we had built between us, everything we believed in. 

"We’ll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday,
I’ll dig for water, and fashion our very own wishing well…”

I was angry and hurt, I was shocked and ashamed, but also relieved. When I was dating Cub I tried explaining it until I was blue in the face, that Cub filled different niches in my heart, that he was a completely different person with whom I had a completely different dynamic, that it didn’t threaten my love for my husband, only highlighted the things that were special about my connection with him. I begged him to read The Ethical Slut, he scoffed during chapter 1 when the writer reflected my own views and asked if one of my “internet friends” had written it. He hated me for wanting an intimate relationship outside of our marriage. He felt threatened and afraid. It wasn’t until he felt these things from the inside out that he really believed them to be true. 

"If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall
Stare into the past, and forget it all.”

It was hard for him to admit his change in perspective, and it was hard for me to hear it. He’d done a complete 180, which is what I had hoped and prayed for, but not like this. It was painful and exciting when he said he understood how another person could complement the relationship he had with me and make him feel more whole. Every time it ached I reminded myself that I had felt the same way in the past. I reminded myself I had lied too. “Different people awaken different beasts in you,” I recited that poem in my head. 

It was a roller-coaster of hidden desires and brutal honesty. There were long nights spent in tears, long days in a daze of confusion. There was remorse and guilt and fear. There was doubt.

"Will we get out of this little hell?"

Through the Summer of 2013 my husband listened to City and Colour’s “Little Hell” album on repeat, this song in particular. He learned it on his guitar and wondered why he’d never really heard it the Summer before. 

We were almost asleep in the August heat when his voice rose through the night, “I know what you had with Cub, I understand now,” he said, his pause heavy. 

"And I’m sorry I took that away from you."

“None of Your Business” by Salt-N-Pepa

It will come as no surprise that little Heart was is a huge Salt-n-Pepa fan. I consider them among the finest of my feminist heroes. “Let’s Talk About Sex" was ground-breaking, educating young people about condoms and safe sex at a time where AIDS talk was still taboo. And I still know every word to ”Shoop”. But this song definitely had an impact on my budding sexuality. S’n’P were sex-positive and expressive about their sexualities in an empowering way.

"The phrase slut-shaming didn’t really exist in the mid-‘90s, but this song nevertheless rails against the concept. Salt-N-Pepa challenge both men and women who would judge them for daring to enjoy sex." -Amy Pitt, Timeout

My favourite line would have to be: "Opinion’s are like assholes and everybody’s got one."

Go ahead, have a throwback Thursday moment and play it loud. 

All of my points of contact with the hoop hurt; hands, backs of knees, the small of my back
It’s the best fucking pain, it hurts so good
MY NECK FEELS GREAT!!! No pain, which means I can go back!!
I can’t wait to go back!!!
I am already mentally creating lyra choreography to “I’m A Boss Ass Bitch" by PTAF
I’m currently trying to rationalize the purchase of this bodysuit for aerial acrobatics purposes…. (also for sexy playtime purposes OBV!)
Robin wants to learn silks so next week she’s coming with me to circus school
Which means my dreams of finding a circus girlfriend are perhaps coming to fruition 
This graceful beauty is the talented Ellie Mouse 
One thing I love about my husband is his refusal to be limited by the very narrow card-options at our local florist <3 <3 <3
  1. All of my points of contact with the hoop hurt; hands, backs of knees, the small of my back
  2. It’s the best fucking pain, it hurts so good
  3. MY NECK FEELS GREAT!!! No pain, which means I can go back!!
  4. I can’t wait to go back!!!
  5. I am already mentally creating lyra choreography to “I’m A Boss Ass Bitch" by PTAF
  6. I’m currently trying to rationalize the purchase of this bodysuit for aerial acrobatics purposes…. (also for sexy playtime purposes OBV!)
  7. Robin wants to learn silks so next week she’s coming with me to circus school
  8. Which means my dreams of finding a circus girlfriend are perhaps coming to fruition 
  9. This graceful beauty is the talented Ellie Mouse 
  10. One thing I love about my husband is his refusal to be limited by the very narrow card-options at our local florist <3 <3 <3proud.jpg

(Source: elliem0use)

"Good morningDon&#8217;t cop outYou crawled from the cancer to land on your feetAre you crazy to want thisEven for a while?&#8221;
-Strange Days, Matt Good
I heard this song (more than 15 years old) by accident this morning as I was getting ready for my day.  I just sat down and listened. Strange Days indeed. For 3 years I feel like I&#8217;ve been flailing and reeling from the changes in my life. And suddenly I see how this chapter might end. And it makes so much sense. And it&#8217;s unexpected, just like the best chapters are. I never saw it coming. 

"Good morning
Don’t cop out
You crawled from the cancer to land on your feet
Are you crazy to want this
Even for a while?”

-Strange Days, Matt Good

I heard this song (more than 15 years old) by accident this morning as I was getting ready for my day.  I just sat down and listened. Strange Days indeed. For 3 years I feel like I’ve been flailing and reeling from the changes in my life. And suddenly I see how this chapter might end. And it makes so much sense. And it’s unexpected, just like the best chapters are. I never saw it coming. 

(Source: herdirtylittleheart)

"You&#8217;ll say it&#8217;s really good to see youyou&#8217;ll say I missed you horriblyyou&#8217;ll say let me carry thathere give that to meand you will take the heavy stuffand you will drive the carand I&#8217;ll look out the window and make jokesabout the way things are.&#8221;
-You Had Time, Ani DiFranco

"You’ll say it’s really good to see you
you’ll say I missed you horribly
you’ll say let me carry that
here give that to me
and you will take the heavy stuff
and you will drive the car
and I’ll look out the window and make jokes
about the way things are.”

-You Had Time, Ani DiFranco

(Source: herdirtylittleheart)

It&#8217;s Monday and gosh does it feel like a Monday&#8230;
So here&#8217;s my plan; I&#8217;m gonna post gorgeous people all day and listen to some Monday Morning Music and let the sunshine in, since it seems to have made a return. 
Let&#8217;s start with this snuggly self-portrait by the stunning dorayoder&#8230; also her bunny has a blog!

It’s Monday and gosh does it feel like a Monday…

So here’s my plan; I’m gonna post gorgeous people all day and listen to some Monday Morning Music and let the sunshine in, since it seems to have made a return. 

Let’s start with this snuggly self-portrait by the stunning dorayoder… also her bunny has a blog!

"Pay my respects to grace and virtue,Send my condolences to good.Hear my regards to soul and romance,They always did the best they could.And so long to devotion;You taught me everything I know.Wave goodbye, wish me well,You&#8217;ve gotta let me go.&#8221;
-Human

"Pay my respects to grace and virtue,
Send my condolences to good.
Hear my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could.

And so long to devotion;
You taught me everything I know.
Wave goodbye, wish me well,
You’ve gotta let me go.”

-Human

(Source: herdirtylittleheart)

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