Staying Present

It was different this time. 

He hasn’t topped me for months. We fuck all the time but it’s been fairly straight-forward fucking. I didn’t feel close enough to him. I didn’t want him to hurt me, I didn’t want him to hold me, I didn’t want him. He pushed me away for so long I finally pushed back. I stopped trying to fight his distance and just let him be.

So there we were, together but so far apart. Co-pilots in auto-pilot as we ran the show and the days turned into weeks turned into “this isn’t working”.

But last night he loved me. I know he’s loved me all along but I don’t mean the kind of love that builds when you are connected the way we are, I mean in that moment he loved me, ‘love’ the action word, not the feeling. 

I could see it in his smile and feel it on my skin when he touched me. And I wanted him. I wanted him there with me.

He held me, he pinned me down as he bit and kissed the nape of my neck, his arms wrapped around me. “What do you want?” he whispered in my ear, but he wasn’t just dirty talking, he wanted to know the answer. “Should I be kind or should I take what I want?” 

“Both,” I breathed into the crook of his arm. 

“Good answer,” he said quietly and he squeezed me tight. And for the first time in months I didn’t wriggle free. 

He fucked me and he cherished me. I bent to his will with grace and with gratitude. He hurt me so kindly. He looked into my eyes and it was like the first time we’d seen each other in a while. 

“Where did this go?” we both thought it but neither of us asked. “Where did you go?” 

It didn’t matter.

We were here. 

(Source: herdirtylittleheart)

“Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.”— N’tima So I read this quote and felt uplifted because that’s what I did! I did all of those things, I married my best friend. I can say a whole-hearted “Yes!” to each of the criteria in that quote, but after well over a decade together let me tell you the waters can get really dark and deep. And I start thinking  ’fuck, I’m not really that strong of a swimmer…” So I look up the source of this quote, these words that made me feel hopeful and reaffirmed my choices, and she’s a 20 year old pregnant Mormon who has been married for 2 years. No judgment, but this is not the wise, seasoned world-view I was looking for when contemplating my life choices.  All this to say that relationships are hard work and there is no easy answer. No matter who you are sharing a bathroom and a home and a life with, building a future and a family and your dreams with; it’s going to be hard fucking work. And I have no idea if we’ll make it to our Two-Houses-Side-By-Side days, but I hope with all of my heart that we do. And I can guarantee it won’t be easy.  And it definitely helps that I married my best friend. 

“Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.”
— N’tima

So I read this quote and felt uplifted because that’s what I did! I did all of those things, I married my best friend. I can say a whole-hearted “Yes!” to each of the criteria in that quote, but after well over a decade together let me tell you the waters can get really dark and deep. And I start thinking  ’fuck, I’m not really that strong of a swimmer…”

So I look up the source of this quote, these words that made me feel hopeful and reaffirmed my choices, and she’s a 20 year old pregnant Mormon who has been married for 2 years. No judgment, but this is not the wise, seasoned world-view I was looking for when contemplating my life choices. 

All this to say that relationships are hard work and there is no easy answer. No matter who you are sharing a bathroom and a home and a life with, building a future and a family and your dreams with; it’s going to be hard fucking work. And I have no idea if we’ll make it to our Two-Houses-Side-By-Side days, but I hope with all of my heart that we do.

And I can guarantee it won’t be easy. 

And it definitely helps that I married my best friend. 

(Source: sex-lust-love)

I saw Jane Goodall speak recently. She has been one of my heroes since I was a little girl. And there she was, wise and candid. She wears her humanity on her sleeve, and the her low ponytail, now grey, is iconic.  She spoke of Motherhood, of her own Mother. She shared that she had been blessed with the kind of Mother who, when she found young Jane had sneaked a few earthworms into her bed when she came in for a nap, did not recoil and shame her. She simply said “Jane, if we leave them here they won’t survive.” She spoke to her with compassion, using reason and empathy, and then helped her to place the wiggly worms where they belonged, in the garden.  I was blessed with the same kind of Mother, who nurtured my heart and let me be me. It’s because of her I knew what love was when I encountered it out in the world. It’s because of her I knew how to love-back.  weirdycutyfreaky: Where the wild Roses grow, 2012.

I saw Jane Goodall speak recently. She has been one of my heroes since I was a little girl. And there she was, wise and candid. She wears her humanity on her sleeve, and the her low ponytail, now grey, is iconic. 

She spoke of Motherhood, of her own Mother. She shared that she had been blessed with the kind of Mother who, when she found young Jane had sneaked a few earthworms into her bed when she came in for a nap, did not recoil and shame her. She simply said “Jane, if we leave them here they won’t survive.” She spoke to her with compassion, using reason and empathy, and then helped her to place the wiggly worms where they belonged, in the garden. 

I was blessed with the same kind of Mother, who nurtured my heart and let me be me. It’s because of her I knew what love was when I encountered it out in the world. It’s because of her I knew how to love-back. 

weirdycutyfreaky: Where the wild Roses grow, 2012.

“The opposite of love’s indifference. So pay attention now…”

“The opposite of love’s indifference.

So pay attention now…”

(Source: herdirtylittleheart)

That is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard in my entire life. <3 claytoncubitt: Modern Love. Zak has Mandy’s medical conditions tattooed on his arm so he can remember them all to tell the doctors when he needs to.  (via Photo by claytoncubitt • Instagram)

That is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard in my entire life. <3

claytoncubitt: Modern Love.

Zak has Mandy’s medical conditions tattooed on his arm so he can remember them all to tell the doctors when he needs to. 

(via Photo by claytoncubitt • Instagram)

The Fifth Element is largely responsible for my sexual awakening. I was 16 when it came out and I watched it over and over. I wanted to save Leeloo. I wanted Korben Dallas to love me. I wanted to be them and fuck them all at the same time. I wanted to cry and cum at the same time. It made me ache. It was this dynamic that made me wetter than any other… a dynamic that would take me another 14 years to figure out.

I believe in hope. I believe in the good in humanity. And I&#8217;ll tell you why; For every ignorant response to my post about feeling powerless there were 25 positive responses. People of all genders who could relate, or showed appreciation, people who sent messages of support or asked for help. People who shared their stories. There&#8217;s always backlash when you say some real shit. And damn, I only wrote about my own experience; for people of colour, *trans folk and many others, the threats from the world at large are even greater.  I was reminded of Lewis&#8217;s law, which states: “The comments on any article about feminism justify feminism.” (Click the link for an excellent/enraging example&#8230;) I was reminded that Daddy likes brave girls. (&#8220;You took him to school baby. And gave him an F. For Fuck you.&#8221; Hee hee. What a lucky girl I am to have such support.) I want to be soft, not scared. I believe in change and progress and love.  This one&#8217;s for you Tumbl Buddies. &lt;3

I believe in hope.

I believe in the good in humanity.

And I’ll tell you why; For every ignorant response to my post about feeling powerless there were 25 positive responses. People of all genders who could relate, or showed appreciation, people who sent messages of support or asked for help. People who shared their stories.

There’s always backlash when you say some real shit. And damn, I only wrote about my own experience; for people of colour, *trans folk and many others, the threats from the world at large are even greater. 

I was reminded of Lewis’s law, which states: “The comments on any article about feminism justify feminism.” (Click the link for an excellent/enraging example…)

I was reminded that Daddy likes brave girls. (“You took him to school baby. And gave him an F. For Fuck you.” Hee hee. What a lucky girl I am to have such support.)

I want to be soft, not scared. I believe in change and progress and love. 

This one’s for you Tumbl Buddies. <3

"

“I don’t ever want to do that to you,” I told him.

“Oh, I wouldn’t mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

"
—

John Green (The Fault In Our Stars)

I started and finished this book on the weekend, and I can’t say enough about what a fun and heart-swelling tale it is. For anyone who has loved and lost it’s a healing kind of story, really looking at the question “is it worth it when you know it will hurt in the end?”. And of course it is. Truly beautiful, and a tumbl buddy recommended it to me and I can’t for the life of me remember who, but if it was you (or if you also read it) please tell me so we can gush about how much we love Hazel and Augustus and Isaac. 

I’m dedicating my afternoon to getting my blog caught up, pictures and stories will be ready to share this afternoon. Also a thank you for your messages and submissions, and thank you in advance for your patience, I’ll reply asap. Promise. 

-Heart <3

Here’s what you need to hear:

Nobody’s going to rescue you. Nobody’s going to take you away from it all. And even you do find a knight who would know that it’s fleeting, artificial; a bandaid.

You have to take that first step yourself, and then the second one, and then every fucking step that comes after that. Every. Single. Day.

And it’ll get easier along the way because you’ll stop looking for someone else to pick you up and do the work. But it will always be work, picking yourself up. The reality is you’ll never learn how if you keep reaching out instead of reaching in. 

There is no truer truth; You’re going to have to save yourself. And when you do you’ll learn how powerful you really are.

(Source: herdirtylittleheart)

This is so fucking sexy. I’m in love with each of them, and them as a couple. Have you ever fallen for a couple? You’re attracted to each of them but you’re also attracted to them as a whole, their energy together, how they complement one another. The sum of the whole thing is greater than each of their great parts. 

Someone spray-painted this little guy right outside of my circus class. Today was just one of those days where everything aligned. &lt;3 

Someone spray-painted this little guy right outside of my circus class. Today was just one of those days where everything aligned. <3 

An Ode to Nose Kisses I can tell from the look in your eyes, the twinkle as you approach, that those lips are not destined for mine.  I see them aiming for the tip of my nose, where yours will nestle in the bridge of my own and our foreheads will rest against each other and I will sigh. I will know your thoughts because they will be my thoughts; How I love your smell, your sounds, your skin.  Our face-time is not a ritual but a solemn prayer. 

An Ode to Nose Kisses

I can tell from the look in your eyes, the twinkle as you approach, that those lips are not destined for mine. 

I see them aiming for the tip of my nose, where yours will nestle in the bridge of my own and our foreheads will rest against each other and I will sigh.

I will know your thoughts because they will be my thoughts; How I love your smell, your sounds, your skin. 

Our face-time is not a ritual but a solemn prayer. 

(Source: intimateerotica)

"Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as an escape."
— bell hooks (via ladybrun)

(Source: idleobservation)

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