I choose every day to seek out beauty. To seek out peace. To seek out light. To find beauty in the dark. To soak it up in those tiny temporary moments, to carry it with me so I can be sustained when things feel scary or cruel. I started doing this consciously at work when I was fresh out of college. My job involves other people’s trauma. If you can’t recharge in between shifts you burn out and crash. But these are good skills regardless, for people who drain you, ailments that maim you, times of loss or mourning. It’s a practice, and sometimes I’m pulled away from it, I get weighed down with the anxious swirl of thoughts, the never ending babble in my head, the critical voice that nips at my heels. The pain.
Certain moments make it feel easy though; sunsets, crescendos, colours so rich you want to put them in your mouth, kisses that take your breath away, the musical sound of little laughter, genuine and unabashed.
Seek them out, even if just for fleeting seconds in a neighbours garden, chasing down the ice cream truck, someone driving by blaring the perfect song from the windows. Maybe the rest of the day was utter desperate shit, but that split second he paused before he kissed you the last time and you could smell your past and your future and his cologne… Lean into those moments, smile so big your cheeks hurt, make a joyful sound, breathe deeply and fill yourself up.