Years ago I purged all of the silly childish clothes from my closet… I was a grown up now with a professional job, a serious one, I was a homeowner, I had real responsibilities. My wardrobe should reflect that, I thought.
I misunderstood my inclinations. I thought I was just holding on to my silly teenaged raver days where anything childish was what I indulged. I thought it was just a phase.
But all of these years later and my eye is still drawn to these things, these Little things. And they are slowly creeping back into my closet. Now I know that it’s part of who I am, it’s part of my sexuality and my charm. I know this because I squee’d “I wanna hoodie with ears!!!” while walking by a kids store. I know this because I bought Paul Frank panties in kids size 12 (pictured) knowing they would fit me and they’re my favourites. I know this because pigtails feel right.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding onto that space where you can play and be free and feel safe. Especially if you didn’t do that enough when you really were a little girl. I look at pictures of myself when I was a kid and I look so seeeeeerious all the time. I just want to put that girl in pigtails and give her some bubbles and send her outside to frolic. (But I wouldn’t have frolicked, I would have taken care of my siblings, and fretted about my cold hands and given passing strangers anxious looks…)
If I could go back in time and give wee Heart advice I would tell her to relax… that there would be plenty of time to be perfect and grown up later. But I can’t. So I make sure to give grown up Heart plenty of time to be silly and Little now.